Hoped to lay some ghosts and come to terms somehow with the attention that draws people to put themselves afloat on the deep dark and indifferent cold and frightening sea.
As Melville wrote ” Meditation and
water are wedded forever”.”
The start of my next sailing adventure arrives .
And as I proceed w the 2nd Flt if of 3 hrs .
Experimenting w Co mints today .
Helps w all the Rtd,families on planes ) which i use to do) and I need a shot .
3hrs is well 3 too l Continue reading
Reexamining what loneliness means or doesn’t mean surfaced in my mind after reading a humbling but very realistic blog on homelessness .
There is the loneliness of being isolated from one’s life choices and ones that are put upon us unknowingly. Or do we all make those choices maybe subconsciously only embracing the feelings and emotions that make us feel ok or bad about it?
Take the person in the wheelchair who is a streetperson by his.choice or was it just a random bad mistake choice .
Did they sign up to go in the miltary hoping nothing like mine fields , enemies fire would not effect them or did they just want to not embrace the fact it may happen but not to me . And it happened .
Feeling the loniness of a family member , someone going thru the court probation system of having to call and maybe piss in a tube and be tested randomly for a whole year every day .
Having to see his friends slowly fade in the background or disapear because u can not particiapte in well the old fun of partying till the next day or even enjoy a beer w a burger and having no car to get to work is a challenge even tho there is a slow sad bus system that takes an hour for a 15min car drive .
The loneliness of hiking and seeing new emerging flowers and plants only to share it w no one . Later telling your roommates makes u look insane as u go on w ” U shoukd have seen them ” . Nobody cares.
Another loneliness is of an only child alone at home sick while both parents are off working and the big house feels strange to be empty while right on your street corner sits a lady w a sign needing money for rent as she cant find a job .
That look is haunting to some too as it stares u down and makes u look shamefully away and to others can be downright cruel as they grasp their partners arm tighter then smile
at you as tho u are a loser for being alone .
Loneliness can be felt in a friendship that changed so much , u are not even sure the other person cares if u are alive or not but at one time shared everything . They cared about u then but now u are “dead” .
Sometimes lonely people pick to do actuvities on purpose alone just to avoid feelings of rejection or abandonment later when those activities partners pick others and not u.
Hidden feelings can be found on a gray cold morning w the same routine in front of u , making coffee eating the same cereal then riding the bus w headphones and pouring yourself into a book to somewhow express to others, yes i am alone and u can not feel nor see my saddness. Couples secretly avoid eye contact as tho u are tainted.
So is it your choice.?
Being alone for me is all too common even tho I have friends and some family to be with , I have sadly gotten use to it . It seems to written on a wall right now as I am still trying to heal this wound in my heart .Its very afraid of being rejected.
I suppose that may be why some reltionships never fall apart based on them not being able to be really alone w oneself. Someone is better than no one symdrome. Bravo to those who see that and finally get the guts to release those prisoners of false insecurity .
My last so called relationship was intensely either very lonely by not my choice or very knitted together like two peas in a pod type of closeness .
Most of the time we ( i and me ) are ok .
Other times it just makes me feel incredible selfish and entitled that I have the nerve to even feel sorry for my type of loniness compared to say the guy on the corner looking for handouts or the one person I see always alone walking , driving by herself ., going to socual functions alone , going to the grocery store , working in the yard alone.
Oh yeah thats me .
But I don t really want to be alone . i guess my heart and soul feels so empty after so many years sharing it w someone who nows doent care if I exist that I am a little afraid to risk another relationship right now . .
It also seems loneliness is natural and actually supposedly healthy in small doses . We entered the world alone and exit alone .
I just hope some of us don’t get too much of loneliness and others get a little to feel emaphy for those either by good or bad choices embrace this everyday .
My last Settlers Park meetup to share a ride to Elodora apperaed w/o any notice. 5 teaching days left and today started off the best. Rode w an employee who always is positive and so full of life despite her own setbacks that before u know it we are parked in the big swimming pool of cars all hankering to get to yes fresh powder again that had fallen the nite before.
But I was thinking I was up in the Kids center which meant no freshies to ski unless I got a high level kid class.
But still happy to find out I was not in the Center and had time to take a few runs in snow I cant just get enough of Powder.
Powder to some of us is as addicting as drugs, alcohol or even sex. Yes I would trade a few inches of powder for a few inches of a penis.
There is something primal, seductive about the silkiness and floating feeling I get when sailing thru this nothing more than soft frozen water particles. Simply soothing and exotic .
Back to the ending tho .Ended up teaching 7 great first time skiers ages from 14- ? ( i didn’ t ask ) but adults all from the Frontrange area.
Nice family but all chubby but Dad and one kid thinking of going to CU and his sister and a very baby like Mom who thought she was still 6 yrs old at the age of forty but very nice and appreciative of my encouragement .
Relaxing lunch w an old timer instructor who I really respect , finish my class w two ok tips and then got the “Go see HR” when I checked out my class.
What really.. at first I thought oh they need a form filled out for exixiting . Then it hit me as I walked over to the trailer type building , They are going to test me for using legal pot on my own time while not at work again.
I start to panic and tear up under my sunglasses trying not to let them fall on my cheeks even tho the wind was blowing them dry . I am right .. sadly . I refuse and then was terminated on the spot .
After 4 years , one accident where I was hit by a student , went to a clinic they recomened for injuries and then tested positive for pot. Suspened for two weeks, went sailing healed retested “eldora clean” and then 5 days before I am done for the season , they want to test me. After almost 90 days of working like a dog for them in all weather and sometimes w only gas money for my reward for the entire day .
Well I guess my Red Card, neck tightness that benifits w/o presriptions other than an occasional puff or tincture herbal oil not ok w Eldora . They still live by old Fed rules. Maybe they are Mormons . Its another rumor as we also can not wear blue jeans to orientation ..
Even tho it is very legal in Colorado .
Not sure if the slap will dampen my feelings to work there next season . I do really enjoying working w my fellow employees and would never turn in the other % 80 users there but really me an older , light user gets the boot ? Some example or scapegoat .
Turned in my heavy and too big but dependable red jacket , emptying out the pockets of stickers,snacks, sunsreen, notes, pens and silly promps I used for kids all now dumped in a box in my car . Till ?
Relization that I was merely nothing but an underpaid pawn for a ” corporation ” that saw no worth of my years of very dedicatied work and great friendship w employees meant not much. Well nothing. So much for honesty again.
Sort of like my very long term relationship I had w UKW.
Its ok tho..
Life is changing and Its going to be getting better starting
Work and the snow were both interesting. My one hour private lesson was unique ( again) . Two brothers, two different worlds and ski ability .
Found out the family lives near me so I was nice when they did not tip 😦 .
Snow was 3 inches on top of crunchy granola . I preeneded I was in the back county . It was good AT conditions but we were actually at a ski resort w grooming equipment . Too cheap to run that nite ?
I also managed to skate ski for a short bit later after I checked out of work .
Lovely quiet, not sticky and busy w skiers. I cried . Its a good place to a healthy cry . I am slowly healing. I was told to do,this but sometimes my vanity worries about the vas amonts of tears and how i wrinkle my face w saddness.
But I slipped.
I broke NC by sending an old pic of me and texted how happy those flowers had made me. that was it .
Of course no reply will ever surface. It is an addiction.
Moved on . Been reading some blogs . who needs magazines w all our great articles.
Be grateful for anything alive !
Sea of Cortez.
I have a few days to sail, swim , bike and dance.
So I find out where the closest sailing bum bar is. I find it very close to my place.
I try to find a sailboater ( sailor of some sort ) at a local tavern mainly Gringo’s from west usa coast or british and Canucks . But its dark and relaxing but dark and gringy to others. I have a pic of the back area where many fund raisers have been held and parties too !
I find one ! A sailor fellow .
Stuart , I knew he wrote stuff and sailed so we started chatting .
He walks me back .We meet the next day at his dingy thingy . Watch the sunset and go out to dinner and attempt at patio sex at my cool B&B Inn . ask me about it. Or did we ? We then meet again for dinner after walking a good mile finding this brillant local hamburger spot . Yumm.
He left. He is still down there. Nice life .
Next blogging is about care of me.
dreams to all,
That last post is an intro to my next sailing adventure w Captn Charl in the US VI .
Which brings me back to why am i running away .. far away at that .
Nick was naursistic in general . Needs lots of attention or hits.
I loved him 101 % Yes too much . He dropped to 50 % at some point then lately only 25% . After I realized he went back to “her” to give it a clean honest try . And probably lining up a new victim. I do miss the sex. Part of it was good. So I guess I feel ok that I had a long term ? w somebody for a freaking Long Time who was younger than me .
Yah ?.. So there.
We had a lot of fun and tears . My sex and writer friend .
Sooooo Don’t feel too sorri for me ( yet ) .
My new destiny awaits me on a blue velvet rug ! On a sailboat ! Yeah ! I will be trained by a NE captain. Help me!
Wow again .. at least i have stories written in my notebooks. yes plural books.
I will be back soon.