A Quick Tack or two and we are back on the same old collision course


Little Wind Rose… How could u possible do another 360 degree circle ?
Full circle . From ending to excepting the end to moving on from the end to considering a connection to the connection then back to being just a (fill in the blank).
I am honoring a pledge to try not to use that word even tho that is what it is.
I have become jus a ( fill in the blank ) .
A fling ? Then what .. forever jus a (fill in the blank) .
I created this and now it is in place , exactly where he wanted me .
In the plant world , when one wants to design a pot of flowers, we say use spillers , fillers and thrillers.
I suppose I am a filler. Someone to fill up a short amount of time to add fullness to their already full pot but why not stuff in one more . Especially if it is free of any kind of anything outside of a ( fill in blank). What the ( fill in the blank) !
Sailing is like that .
That feeling of taking chances as u become addicted to the wind .
Desires to capture it and respecting when changes occur and allowing it to overcome your wilder senses but also knowing u have no control other than just dropping the sails and silently motoring to safety if all hell breaks out .
In sailing one generally use a series of zig zag tacks to work the wind to get back , go around and be able to play w the wind .
The feeling is a bit euphoric , a bit scary and a bit being in control.

Is that what I like ..
Will I overcome that shallow desire and rise above the strong desire of pure lust ?
How does it make me feel after ?
Lonely and sad that is all there is . But any touch is better than no touch isn t it ?
Its a dead end and I should know this .
But its like an addiction , no it is an addiction .
I tell myself its just a small step back after all its the least amount of time one could give another , It can not be any less , as this is the scrapings on the bottom of the oak barrel .
Maybe I should toss the barrel down a hill and really break it up ?
We know the answer .
An yet I continue to keep the connection even tho it may lead to nothing .
I do ok w thinking i am ready to be like zennish and act happy w what i get .
I am getting close to honoring me better but it is taking a longer time now that yes Nick and i have seen in other again naked in my van . yikes.
I may have killed it tho as I sent some email that made no sense and he may jus do the big ignore her or send a nasty gram ending it.
360 degrees ..
But each time we break up it gets easier so when if it happens i will be a little more ok w it. I also have let a few men be close to me while talking . no sex.
I do not think i can be jus a friend w /o benis nor a friend w benis . Either way he is not that nice to me anymore .
Gosh G girl are u starting to wake up ?
I am scared to let go
I can keep trying right?



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