Hoped to lay some ghosts and come to terms somehow with the attention that draws people to put themselves afloat on the deep dark and indifferent cold and frightening sea.
As Melville wrote ” Meditation and
water are wedded forever”.”
The start of my next sailing adventure arrives .
And as I proceed w the 2nd Flt if of 3 hrs .
Experimenting w Co mints today .
Helps w all the Rtd,families on planes ) which i use to do) and I need a shot .
3hrs is well 3 too l Continue reading
Reexamining what loneliness means or doesn’t mean surfaced in my mind after reading a humbling but very realistic blog on homelessness .
There is the loneliness of being isolated from one’s life choices and ones that are put upon us unknowingly. Or do we all make those choices maybe subconsciously only embracing the feelings and emotions that make us feel ok or bad about it?
Take the person in the wheelchair who is a streetperson by his.choice or was it just a random bad mistake choice .
Did they sign up to go in the miltary hoping nothing like mine fields , enemies fire would not effect them or did they just want to not embrace the fact it may happen but not to me . And it happened .
Feeling the loniness of a family member , someone going thru the court probation system of having to call and maybe piss in a tube and be tested randomly for a whole year every day .
Having to see his friends slowly fade in the background or disapear because u can not particiapte in well the old fun of partying till the next day or even enjoy a beer w a burger and having no car to get to work is a challenge even tho there is a slow sad bus system that takes an hour for a 15min car drive .
The loneliness of hiking and seeing new emerging flowers and plants only to share it w no one . Later telling your roommates makes u look insane as u go on w ” U shoukd have seen them ” . Nobody cares.
Another loneliness is of an only child alone at home sick while both parents are off working and the big house feels strange to be empty while right on your street corner sits a lady w a sign needing money for rent as she cant find a job .
That look is haunting to some too as it stares u down and makes u look shamefully away and to others can be downright cruel as they grasp their partners arm tighter then smile
at you as tho u are a loser for being alone .
Loneliness can be felt in a friendship that changed so much , u are not even sure the other person cares if u are alive or not but at one time shared everything . They cared about u then but now u are “dead” .
Sometimes lonely people pick to do actuvities on purpose alone just to avoid feelings of rejection or abandonment later when those activities partners pick others and not u.
Hidden feelings can be found on a gray cold morning w the same routine in front of u , making coffee eating the same cereal then riding the bus w headphones and pouring yourself into a book to somewhow express to others, yes i am alone and u can not feel nor see my saddness. Couples secretly avoid eye contact as tho u are tainted.
So is it your choice.?
Being alone for me is all too common even tho I have friends and some family to be with , I have sadly gotten use to it . It seems to written on a wall right now as I am still trying to heal this wound in my heart .Its very afraid of being rejected.
I suppose that may be why some reltionships never fall apart based on them not being able to be really alone w oneself. Someone is better than no one symdrome. Bravo to those who see that and finally get the guts to release those prisoners of false insecurity .
My last so called relationship was intensely either very lonely by not my choice or very knitted together like two peas in a pod type of closeness .
Most of the time we ( i and me ) are ok .
Other times it just makes me feel incredible selfish and entitled that I have the nerve to even feel sorry for my type of loniness compared to say the guy on the corner looking for handouts or the one person I see always alone walking , driving by herself ., going to socual functions alone , going to the grocery store , working in the yard alone.
Oh yeah thats me .
But I don t really want to be alone . i guess my heart and soul feels so empty after so many years sharing it w someone who nows doent care if I exist that I am a little afraid to risk another relationship right now . .
It also seems loneliness is natural and actually supposedly healthy in small doses . We entered the world alone and exit alone .
I just hope some of us don’t get too much of loneliness and others get a little to feel emaphy for those either by good or bad choices embrace this everyday .