It’s interesting how no matter how alone I am , I am not.
Here it is another year goes by and I am single , no boyfriend or a lover or anyone I even in interested in. Had one of those but he is really not that into me so why keep hanging around for squibbles of attention and basic sex?
And sometimes it sucks and sometimes I accept that is what is in the cards for me so to speak.
Today was an example of its ok . Life is good . It is what it is.
I found my missing mitten I dropped on my way to go skiing at 2pm and yes one can get plenty of runs in in 2 hrs When U Have A Pass.
It doesn’t matter . It was beautiful w no wind , powdery snow and sunsetting colored skies as I skied alone naturally . After popped my head in to ski resort bar to see the football scores and so no one to have a beer w I knew or wanted to know and dropped into Very Nice brewery in town to have a beer w my old fellow ski instructors then came home , made a fire reheated soup and veggies on stovetop , figured out how to watch PBS on my Ipad . duh . And now writing . Then luscious quiet sleep . Naughty dreams perhaps.
Sounds lonely , yes but not awful. Did not do my dishes, nor explain anything why to someone and can leave the light on as long as i like.
Starting to like in a way being really alone , either that or have giving up or I just don’t care to waste time figuring out how to meet someone or ….its just too scary to think I might actually end up alone ..in the end.
We all know we come into this world pretty alone , sure we push u out , cut the cord but it was just u coming out . Then when we die ,its pretty much jus u dying , no one can really be there exactly w u and u sometimes don’ t the option of someone u know during those last dying breaths . I never got to be w my parents when they died and not sure if it would have made a difference. U cant stop death .
So why are we so afraid of being alone?
I am working on that one right now .
Not a fear , more like is it me who is choosing to be alone or is there really nobody out there in this billions of people I would like to be with? Nor anyone w me ?
Ok we all like silence , but do really know what silence really is ?
There seems very little true places to go where there is no noise and would that be strange or ok?
We go walking on a soft snowy path ..crunch , crunch , squeak from your boots , ur own breathing has a sound , yet we embrace it as silence.
U sit next to a wood stove that has a constant slight roar of the wood burning, sometimes sap, bark popping , hissing yet we say we are surrounded by silence .
The water pipes drip in the background, a clock ticks , ears ring , heaters turn on , houses creak from the wind , refrigerators turn on and off. Yet we think this is silence .
Is it getting away from human noises that we are looking for when we want silence ? Or do we want some noise that reassure us we are not really alone.
Does that mean we accept the other man made noises , like wood stoves noises and drips and heaters and skis sliding on snow , water sounds from water features or waves crashing on the shore a after a boat goes by , our feet moving on carpets as not noise ?
After friends and neighbors and family leave and i am alone w myself , no pets , no music , no tapping from my fingers on my ipad , possible no heater turning on.. i try to stop listening and find silence but i cant help hear everything and decipher it .
For me silence is no car sounds, no people or dog sounds nor planes , jets , helicopters , no motor sounds from appliances and equipment.
Sounds from nature are not noise . Sure howling wind bashing over and around my house seems loud and scary but I would trade that for motorized sounds or the constant chatter from videos or music.
So is there really silence , where would that be? Does silence exist ?
once in awhile in middle of the nite , i wake up to nothing. too far from the busy kitchen sounds and the heater is quiet , the wind or snow is not blowing , my clock is out of sound range and yes if i keep still , breath softly it is as near silent .. as close as it has ever been and i am not sure If its or not ok quite yet.
It registers loneliness right now to me.
I want to hear another breathing sometime not jus mine . The rustling of sheet s and blankets being moved .
But true silence would be scary . is that what the deaf hears ? Silence sounds lifeless.
It wasn’t till after a 2 full days of a blizzard did I realize it was the best time to write. Especially when it pasted.. still blowing wind but way way less . I would guess as an non expert , that is was def. in the blizzard range of ” above 35 mph and over 8 hrs ” . Ok We did that here. In fact 30 hrs non stop .
But unless u know me personally , nobody knows where I am experiencing this post first Blizzard.
There are there are personals that think they know like that DRC . ( don’t really care ) then theres the ” Oh are u ok up there by ur itsy bitsy self tough girl ? ” group .
So I found some new groups . Up here . I like them.
The last time I wrote , it was about me finding my new place to live in Co.
It was a fun winter skiing in Monarch sometime while putting , yes offers on houses and then backing out.
Now if Marilyn was reading this she would be yelling ( opps saying loudly) “she did that. PuLLed OUt . For one reason or another “. But thats in its self another story.
After sailing in nearby ( sort of) Lake Dillion and some Denver waters during the later part of summer , I went on an exciting ( sorri not sexually ) sailing trip from St. Pete’s to unfortunaelty only Ft . Myers .
All women, two chartacters. I mean Captains with two others . One w loved to cook , sort of a crew member but great sense of positivennesss.
The Captains , well .. both were older than 65 , one had hip problems that lead to a numerous ways of unloading her and hauling ( me pushing her butt on deck ) too due to that thing called Tides.
Fun trip for me despite our numerous problems w a new sailboat . Including a fire .
Lets go back to where am I ?
If we were to followup from reading about the almost terrifying captain on the gang plank sailing adventure way back in June , you would have figured out I have some letters to tap and poke on my I pad to continue capturing your atttention.
After checking put my insanity level I was ready to write about the fun adventures I had too on that trip and there were many…
But instead most Most recently I did this.
Had a exploratory trip of Co searching for a place i could call home. I do have a home , nice location indeed but its not “my home”. Actually its an end unit in a small townhouse complex in S. Boulder,Co . According to Noa there are about 10 other Boulders in the usa btw. So sort of unique .
My summer adventures are of just me and my 89 vw van exploring possible places to live in Colorado other than the precious intimidating , moving at at unreal human pace or opposite like a slug out of his domaine here in the bubble land , Boulder.
Breckenridge, Frisco , Blue River area, then Steamboat, Oakcreek, Hayden, Craig areas, BV and Salida also . Next is Aspen, Carbondale .
For all u skiers ,its tough picking the best, closest , cheapest place to live , let alone who has the most perfecta available mtn men to play with!
And how has the best breweries and closest hotsprings.
Stay tune for those observations and details including shagging a young brewery owner , he was over 30 🙂 in my VW van up on BuF pass. Yeah.
Very smart and wealthy. Sweet tracks are ahead for him I hope.
Well so much has happened .. this writing stuff takes up time :).
Still exploring as of Oct 2014 in the Blue Missy , jus mw unless its a nice nite and I capture one.
Funny as a single woman I could find anyone but this black widow likes a victim to be wanted not jus needed.
I look like I want the norm . I do not .I like men who are almost accepted but have a unique thing or two about them .
So I am alone still but ok for the most part .
Damn holidays are a fairy tale time for couples…. yuck !
Ok .. a
Sitting on a boat in paradise .
Still sitting on a boat in paradise . .
Arrived in St. Thomas on April 8th .
Slowly whisked to the Marina by taxi where as I meet the Capt of Watercolors whom in theory I would be learning to sail apply my new ASA learnings and be a crew member working the boat w him around the St . Johns area maybe beyond during a 4 week period.
After a rum drink , primarily w names like Drunken Sailor , R&R amps , we dinghy back to his boat . Dump my gear , set up my 3×5 berth and sit in the marina watching massive cruise ships quietly slip in just hundreds of feet away. Massive is too small of a word. Its a floating 6,000 ft chubby looking floating hotel surrounded by beautiful waters and look down on the little looking sailboats filled w captains and wenches.
Seems the winds are mainly from the east so sailing into them is not an option. One motors east them sails back on westly winds.
So we sort of motorsail out of St . Thomas towards St . Johns. Beautiful quieter island but w some sad bad slavery history . After the slaves revolted most ended up passing a shotgun around or jumped off Mary point to avoid the torture and killing .
Ok after some sexual innuendos , I am getting those red flag warnings that I may not like this Capt after all , as he had me play a game of guessing how much his freaking boat cost . I guessed wrong and was quickly told about all the rules on his tres$$$ boat. Like i could shower or poop but not both on his boat. He had two of everything. I could shower on deck. No brushing my hair inside, not to expect to take the helm for awhile and willing to watch porno .
But I brush this all off and was trying to just get some sailing experience right?
We find another moor thingy , settle in have a rum drink and sit. Snorkeled some the next morning before heading to St Johns otherside , thecoolside Corral Bay . Seemed like some wind to sail as others were sailing by but still we motor on in , moored after he yelled at me for missing the damn ball thingy the first time and grumbled a lot of bad words. Another red flag. Told him to nix the cussing as it was making me nervous. He knew a way to relax me he replied if I would trust him. Right .
It was becoming clear what my purpose was, somewhat flattered ( at my age) but hurt by the disrespect . Once In St .John his nice side appears and is somewhat trying to warm up to me . He tells me we are off to the other side where my hippy friends will be. Great lets go . Again no sails , WTF and we secure a Mooring thingy after more cuss words . I am starting to get a bad vibe and getting scared of this man . I saw his manhood thingy while swimming naked yesterday and there is no way that is getting near me. yikes . I walk around on eggshells afraid of everything I say or do. I contemplate an escape as he informed he is very ok soloing if I did not like his rules.
My angel arrives . Rebecca , a boat owner and captain and another boat owner dingy up and come aboard so He can show of his $$$$ boat. She knows him and has seen the boat. I am told to get drinks for our friends ( but not to offer them his drinks) .I feel really foolish being here.
While guys are down below , Rebecca asks how I doing. I tell her I am scared and she tells me to meet her latter at Skinny Legs to talk . She and I have some Lake Tahoe connections. Small world.
Wow so I find out latter at this fun bar w live music that nite that He is a big player, probably wont get to actual sail and is known for bringing twits for sexual companions. Too bad for him tho as another plan is brewing and it does not include sex.
A nite free from my lover.
The only time I see him now is in my dreams.
Basically the same but w different social settings and background music.
After all , one can create dreams and change dreams and stop them.
With late night cheese inductions , well not just cheese , but basically dairy . Wonder if lactose free products do the same ?Only sometimes ice creme . Cookies and creme . Mainly yogurt.
Different places but same dream as if my illusion of how it feels so right but seems wrong is so very real .
She is there w her perfect Cheshire cat smile and clothing to hide her chubby thighs after years of yoga.
He is still talking about himself.She nods . She smiles . She glazes .
His stares are filled w intense lusting at times toward me , often too boldly. As if to make suggestions of a stolen kiss or more , perhaps later .
I seem to drift between walls watching him like he is prey .
Those feelings of stolen lust warms me to want to touch myself .
Shit here it goes again. I will awake w/o him . I know he is warm next to her.
There is often quick sex .. always doors for him to disappear and reappear . Dark areas to meet . To touch and kiss . Then her hand appears and he takes it w a last second glance w his sparkling eyes towards me suggesting there will be others stolen moments . Yes ” I am his best “.
Some will say those dreams are perfect timing. Time to see where I stand not only in my dreams but in my real life. . His life . I am nowhere.
A cheeseless nite,.Let’s see if he sneaks into my dreams as I only had a sweet cookie to nibble on tonite.
Hoped to lay some ghosts and come to terms somehow with the attention that draws people to put themselves afloat on the deep dark and indifferent cold and frightening sea.
As Melville wrote ” Meditation and
water are wedded forever”.”
The start of my next sailing adventure arrives .
And as I proceed w the 2nd Flt if of 3 hrs .
Experimenting w Co mints today .
Helps w all the Rtd,families on planes ) which i use to do) and I need a shot .
3hrs is well 3 too l Continue reading
Reexamining what loneliness means or doesn’t mean surfaced in my mind after reading a humbling but very realistic blog on homelessness .
There is the loneliness of being isolated from one’s life choices and ones that are put upon us unknowingly. Or do we all make those choices maybe subconsciously only embracing the feelings and emotions that make us feel ok or bad about it?
Take the person in the wheelchair who is a streetperson by his.choice or was it just a random bad mistake choice .
Did they sign up to go in the miltary hoping nothing like mine fields , enemies fire would not effect them or did they just want to not embrace the fact it may happen but not to me . And it happened .
Feeling the loniness of a family member , someone going thru the court probation system of having to call and maybe piss in a tube and be tested randomly for a whole year every day .
Having to see his friends slowly fade in the background or disapear because u can not particiapte in well the old fun of partying till the next day or even enjoy a beer w a burger and having no car to get to work is a challenge even tho there is a slow sad bus system that takes an hour for a 15min car drive .
The loneliness of hiking and seeing new emerging flowers and plants only to share it w no one . Later telling your roommates makes u look insane as u go on w ” U shoukd have seen them ” . Nobody cares.
Another loneliness is of an only child alone at home sick while both parents are off working and the big house feels strange to be empty while right on your street corner sits a lady w a sign needing money for rent as she cant find a job .
That look is haunting to some too as it stares u down and makes u look shamefully away and to others can be downright cruel as they grasp their partners arm tighter then smile
at you as tho u are a loser for being alone .
Loneliness can be felt in a friendship that changed so much , u are not even sure the other person cares if u are alive or not but at one time shared everything . They cared about u then but now u are “dead” .
Sometimes lonely people pick to do actuvities on purpose alone just to avoid feelings of rejection or abandonment later when those activities partners pick others and not u.
Hidden feelings can be found on a gray cold morning w the same routine in front of u , making coffee eating the same cereal then riding the bus w headphones and pouring yourself into a book to somewhow express to others, yes i am alone and u can not feel nor see my saddness. Couples secretly avoid eye contact as tho u are tainted.
So is it your choice.?
Being alone for me is all too common even tho I have friends and some family to be with , I have sadly gotten use to it . It seems to written on a wall right now as I am still trying to heal this wound in my heart .Its very afraid of being rejected.
I suppose that may be why some reltionships never fall apart based on them not being able to be really alone w oneself. Someone is better than no one symdrome. Bravo to those who see that and finally get the guts to release those prisoners of false insecurity .
My last so called relationship was intensely either very lonely by not my choice or very knitted together like two peas in a pod type of closeness .
Most of the time we ( i and me ) are ok .
Other times it just makes me feel incredible selfish and entitled that I have the nerve to even feel sorry for my type of loniness compared to say the guy on the corner looking for handouts or the one person I see always alone walking , driving by herself ., going to socual functions alone , going to the grocery store , working in the yard alone.
Oh yeah thats me .
But I don t really want to be alone . i guess my heart and soul feels so empty after so many years sharing it w someone who nows doent care if I exist that I am a little afraid to risk another relationship right now . .
It also seems loneliness is natural and actually supposedly healthy in small doses . We entered the world alone and exit alone .
I just hope some of us don’t get too much of loneliness and others get a little to feel emaphy for those either by good or bad choices embrace this everyday .